-Had a knightmare few weeks with mr N. horriffic, huge massive arguments. he lies, hes a liar, and hes now blocked, deleted, removed from my life totally. I regrett that i ever got involved in the first place.

- I have been rocking the maxi dress look these last few days. I look HOT. i know this because people are checking me out, and work people and school gate mums are ’ oooohhhhing’ over me. My wonderful daughter said, upon seeing me in my new dress ’ wow mummy, WOW’ now, anyone with a child knows they dont say what they dont mean. She meant it. And to be fair, i rocked it. You dont need to be tiny and thin to look fab ( pic next time i wear it)

-  i had a date tuesday lunch time!!! AND I HAVE A SECOND DATE next wed. Drinks at this nice bar on the marina. hes nice. Its exciting.

- I will not be 155, or even 165 lbs when i go to see mcfly in two weeks. I dont care, i shall wear my ’ wow’ dress.

- I am having a bbq this weekend :) then sun is shining :) and i im looking forward to a weeekend with my girl :)

I have been awol. on doctors orders :)

So - i had my big doctors appt last thur. She confirmed my weight had dropped a ton since my appt two weeks earlier. We spoke about my symptoms around that and shes said i am most likely celiac, or have a severe wheat intollerance. having done some research im thinking its the intollerance. she offered me tests, but said there wasnt much point,and if i was following low gi, as advised for pcos, then i shouldnt be eating wheat anyway.

She is ok with where i am, but has swapped my bdp to another one and we are going to see if that controlls the pcos symptoms ok. if it doesnt im to call her and she will issue me the old ones over the phone.

I only need to lose 4lbs and my weight will be into the weight catergory for those pills anyway, so its not that bad.

She advised me to see her for all future appts.

The biggest thing is she told me off about my diet, and obsessing about it. She told me to relax. To accept im never going to be ’ thin’ and for me, my bmi is always going to be over, and that that is ok.

That if i can hold my bmi at around 27 - 28 and keep it there, it will be more healthy for me than it going up and down between 26 and 33 on a yearly basis.

She told me to let go, enjoy eating and not worry so much.

So, thats what i have been doing.

Interestingly i am still eating the same breakfasts and lunches. Dinner, ive been having things ive missed, but avoiding the wheat. And i feel ok, and good.

And a few treats have sneaked in, but thats stopped as of yesterday.

I took a break from mfp, but will be logging again from monday.

The doctor thinks I have celiac disease also.

Frickin wonderful.

Weight down, and at 173 fully clothed, in jeans and layers at the end of the day.

Full post tomorrow.

But I’m too tired and headachy from todays dramas..

I know I absolutely did the right thing, but I still feel sad.

Ive somehow managed to stick to my cals today, and am goingbto watch tv and go to bed early :(

exactly.

He says im the only person, blah blah, it was all a big mistake. its just bullshit. ive known him and hes been telling me he lvoes me for 2 years. if he lvoed me, then he would have been with me the last two years. I need to say we havent had sex, we havent even kissed, it just been an emotional thing.

The man is a pain in the arse, and selfish. Everything that hes done today demonstrates that. I just feel wretched.And cant belive how i let myself get into this situation… and i feel guilty. and mean.

and most people would jump at the chance to be with him, hes wealthy, influential, hugely sucessful and mildly famous. and here i am ignoreing him

Any long time followers will know about Mr N. For those that dont know i shall summarise as quick as i can. Met, live too far away, stay in contact online, have 1 date 6 months later. Different expectations cause a fall out, we make up, talk, he wants a committment, i wont. he dates somone else, i fall out with him. i date somone he falls out with me, we talk and talk and develop this close emotional connection. Last summer we were meant to give it a go, he cancells last min, i find out a short while later he was in fact moving in with his gf ( whom i didnt know about) ww3 happens. we dont talk. He beggs me to talk to him, i say we can be friends, but im not being involved. He says he needs to see me. I think about it, but hes still living with her, so tell him i cant and i dont feel the same anymore ( Which i dont)

i told him i didnt love him in that way, and vanished, he text me to tell me he had a train ticket for today, when the previous week i had agreed to see him if he came june half term when i was off nd DD was with her dad.
So- he ignored when i was free and then claimed not to have got my message.

We talked, i told him i was confused and that i did care for him but i didnt think i wanted to be with him. he tells me the gf is moving out in july because shes doing her masters, so hes free to see me. i make a sarky comment about it being nice to be the fall back girl, he digs back making a derogeraty comment about my marriage. i leave the conversation and have ignored all of his attemps since.

I get a text to say hes on the train with a smiley face and then one saying ’ not that you seem to care or will even see me’

thats the train of events. its not my fault, is it?